Behind 2 Minivans...

So I’m an English Major and my close friends all know now that if they make a grammatical mistake in a tweet, wall post, text or whatever (le etc…) I will correct them in probably the most irritatingly pompous way… But constantly I am floored by the number of people that use the wrong meaning of a word. Like…. Don’t get me started on to/too/two and their/there/they’re. Y’all, we learned those in grade 4. It’s obvious to me when it’s a simple slip of the ol’ texting thumb and they say ‘of’ instead of ‘if’ (ironically, that happened AS I was just typing…I’m rofl-ing as we speak) but the other day, I was on Instagram and a girl posted a picture of her doing some amazing feat and she captioned it with
“I’ll get this back. Just gotta give me some time. #patiants”

I didn’t realize she was a doctor.

So I left her a little comment that just said “*#patience”
I’m so helpful.

Another example was a really ‘soft tweet’ that a friend of mine (tried) to post. It said
“Loosing you was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through”
And I thought, ‘woah…bitch probably really works her Kegels’.

There are, however, times that this really makes me happy. Thia happens when I’m either witnessing or having a catty argument with someone and they just make it really easy. Recently, a dumb B was acting like a real C to one of my beasties (I use this lingo PURELY for effect) and she kept saying things like
“Your ugly” and other widely intelligent things and I’d just think, ‘what about her ugly? Is it lost? Have you stolen it? Because its showing up on your face…’ But I couldn’t say it…because she wouldn’t get it. Point is, Even if they have really solid points, I feel as though through the use or very poor grammar, you’ll just look stoop-a-loop in front of all your peeps…and then you won’t be invited back to idiot island….or you’ll be the king…hard to say.

My big point is to proofread your shit BEFORE you post it. Take a second— reflect back to elementary school.

Mind The Gap

I know it’s been a while but what better way to come back Than a serious warning from me, the bitchiest person you know.
Ladies, let’s be real with each other. Unlike me, you’re a practical woman who values things like comfort, warmth, efficiency and sometimes a little bit of style. That being said, I must ask you: if you insist on wearing UGG boots, why must you also insist on wearing them with leggings that are several inches too short?
I know that Lulu Lemon crops are a genius invention, I myself have several pairs. However, when you have that stupid little gap of shankle going on (shin+ankle), the first thing I immediately think of is:
“doth little sister know you wear-ith her pants?”
Srsly— you look ridic’lis.
Furthermore, on the topic of comfort and warmth…how chillllly does your shankle get by the time you get home?? If you have a red stripe showing where your exposed skin was, chances are…you looked like an idiot. And now you have frost bite.
With all that being said…it’s probably a good idea to avoid wearing UGG’s in general because they truly are hideous. Especially when you get them real good and broken in and the ankle starts to collapse…it’s not a pretty sight.
Here’s my over-all suggestion:
The amount of time it would take you to put on a pair of uggs is roughly the same time as putting on a pair of literally any other type of boot. Plus, brand name UGGs are FUCKING expensive!
With that money, buy a pair of decent looking boots from Aldo. Or get TWO pairs from Spring. Srsly.
And if you MUST wear your UGGs (I fall victim to this too sometimes) make sure there’s no shankle gap.

Finally, I’d like to point out that I purposely did not acknowledge the existence of sweatpants and uggs….. If you have to even ask if that’s okay…I can’t help you.
Peace and Love.

Tweet me with some Wespect

hokay, so…

I LOVE twitter. I tend to get really excited when I’m in a conversation with someone and they’re like “oh yeah, I was on twitter the other day and…blah blah blah” I stop listening because I get so excited to find out that they too enjoy talking about themselves all day long with the accompanying challenge of expressing their vanity in 140 character or less. So, I put a checkmark in the ‘win’ column and go on my merry way.

However, I have noticed that are specific kinds of people on twitter, many of which really Really REALLY seem to piss me off. For the purpose of this rant, I will call them, Twiter Noobs…no…Douches. Twitter Douches.

  Twitter Douche #1: the “hian’tus smart as you’d hoped”

When I follow a person, I expect to be entertained. If you go on every once in a while and post even one tweet a week but that tweet happens to be hilarious, then I’m all good. But if you take a 2 week hiatus from twitter and then tweet something like, 

“@TwitterDouche: omg, CSI is on. #SoExcited”

wow…CSI eh? it wasn’t on last week? That’s the highlight of your 2 week twitter vacay?Really??! you had to hashtag your excitement?? are you really going to check if anyone else is #soExcited?

 OR EVEN WORSE

you retweet something from the “shit girls say” or “first world pains” twitter page after 2 weeks of nothing, you better believe that your ass is going to get unfollowed.

the aforementioned retweeting is a perfect preface to

Twitter Douche #2: the “Retweet the Twoops!”

As I said, I follow you in good faith, expecting that you have enough creativity to make me not hate you…in 140 character. So when I go on my news feed and see a whole bunch of POINTLESS and NOT FUNNY shit that you have retweeted, please be advised that your list of followers has just gone from 1 to 0. because yo ass got unfollow’d. t’chea. Don’t take it as an insult, take it as a message for personal self reflection for the next time you check your twitter. think to yourself ‘is this funny? does anyone give a shit? is this something that the general population would get?’ and if you answer ‘no’ to any/all of these BASIC questions…do not [i repeat] DO NOT retweet it. I kill you.

finally——-

this breed of twitter noob will get you when you are first introduced to the twitter beast. and this noob is called:

Twitter Douche #3: “I’m takin’ names….like the one you want”

So you go to sign up for twitter and you’re like, “yeeaah, I’m gonna use my awesome nickname” and you type it in and twitter is all “sorry bro, this name is already in use” and you’re like, “wtf? who could possibly also have this rad nickname?” so you go and check and- to your fucking horror- the owner of the twitter name that you want happens to be a twitter douche.

so you take some stupid twitter name like @firstname_lastname01 because, of course, some other twitter douche has your name sans 01 and you go back and check every month or so to see if the twitter douche has released your awesome twitter/nickname into the wild where it can truly live up to its potential but are always left disappointed because the douche retweeted the “ShitLongboardersSay” page last week.

SO- if you are on twitter or are planning on joining twitter, please take this rant to heart and avoid twitter douche bags, and especially avoid becoming one.

#YoureWelcome

…oh and newbies, don’t put punctuation in your hashtags.

Bathroom Debate

This topic is probably the #1 example when you hear the phrase “battle of the sexes” and there’s this age-old stigma that you always hear in groups of people at parties where one guy is all “those dang women take forever to get ready for the simplest things” and the rest of the men in the group laugh and agree and clink their beers together etc., meanwhile the women in the group get either a.) defensive b.) all shy about it or c.) they’re all sassy and what not with their “you bet I take an hour to do my makeup. You see how good this looks” *snap*snap*diva-headwave etc. 

But then there’s option D (which technically could fit into option A but this is my rant, not yours) where we have a legitimately thought out rebuttal, and this rebuttal is:

The amount of time men spend shitting in one day.

The fact is, men wake up in the morning and boom. door locked, fan on. 20-30 minutes later, it’s still off limits unless you aren’t afraid to die a very rank and heinous death. Then it gets to be around noon and BINGO. They gotta go again. This one tends to be a little shorter because maybe they have stuff to do…So I’d budget for about 10…15..20 minutes max that that room is el occupado. Then the day ends and everyone’s getting ready for bed and they sneak one last one in there just to make sure they don’t have to get up in the middle of the night. This third guy is unpredictable…the wild card of the group, if you will. This one can go anywhere from the fast 10 to the thorough 30.

The main argument that I have received from this point is “well I’m not actually, you know…’pooping’ [and they get all silent-y when they say the word] the whole time…I’m on my phone/laptop/reading the paper”. 

AS IF that makes up for it. A.) remind me never to touch your phone or laptop again [goal achieved?] and B.) You’re just proving that we are like, 90% more productive than you because when we’re in the bathroom…you know… doing something that’s not pooping… we are 100% focussed on the task at hand and while you may enjoy your smelly ‘you-time’ we prefer to spend our hard earned extra time reading in the freaking living room with our pants NOT around our ankles. 

Furthermore, when we are spending our time in the bathroom putting on our ‘hot girl disguises’ aka getting ready, we at least have something to show for it whereas you look the same…well…maybe thinner.

So next time you want to point out how long it takes your girl to get ready, be prepared for a heated debate/ potentially awkward conversation…for you. I grew up in a very open, poo-talk friendly household.

Now that’s what I call a royal flush.

Bus Schedule

So I get my trusty iPhone out and look at the app I downloaded for my city’s Transit Schedule and I see that my local bus to go to the main route to get to school is set for 1:57pm. Since the stop is right outside my door, I leave myself an extra 2 minutes so I can get out there and only have to wait a few minutes.

A little preamble…

I take this transfer bus out of sheer convenience. I can either make the 12 minute walk up to the main road to catch a bus to the university, OR I can catch the local bus and save myself 10 minutes. (NOTE** 10 minutes to a girl is a gift)

So I realize that I’m in perfect time to casually walk out and catch this bus so I get out there and I wait.

and wait…

and wait and wait…

and FINALLY I get rattled and realize that I must have missed it or something so I start the walk up to the main road. 

by 1:07 I reach the main road and wouldn’t you believe that the local bus pulls up beside me and is all like, “oh hey..sorry about that” (not literally since…it’s like…a bus). 

BUT SRSLY! what the frick?! 

To make it better, as me and the very late bus are sitting there waiting to cross the street, the University bus stops for like, a second and then drives away. So no matter what I did today, I wasn’t going to get on my University bus.

So I went and sat down beside the token crazy homeless guy on the bench…sweet. 

End Rant.

Behind 2 Minivans…

So this idea started when I was, in fact, stuck in traffic one day. I was driving to School and happened to leave my house approximately 5 minutes late and figured I could make up that time by driving a little of the limit. now, I get it…if I drove the speed of a 16 year old trying to impress the other drivers by showing how fast they could make their mom’s ‘93 toyota corolla go I would probably roll my eyes too. But when we’re talking about 10 over the limit and you refuse to make some room…I get a little rattled.

I don’t understand what the mindset is when the technical rule of the road is the following:

Right lane= slow; Left lane= fast.

So there I am, late (which IS my fault) but it is being made all the more difficult by Mr. Dodge Caravan and Ms. Some other kind of freaking mini van. It’s like they’re in some kind of club, driving side by side making great conversation by smiling and waving.

“Oh my goodness, you have a mini van? I have one too! Let’s just stay driving side by side for a while!! after all, we are keeping the world a safer place by driving like old women”

all they while, they’re probably looking in their rear view giving us ‘young drivers’ the frowning of our lives for going 10 over the speed limit, meanwhile, they’ve gotten distracted and are hovering between the exact limit and 5 under.

A note to all the minivans out there:

If you’re going to drive your Minivan in public, drive in the right lane. We get it- you have children and are all responsible and noble for driving such a heinous machine but you sir or madame, are the very cause of road rage. 

and with that I say good day.